The Inquisitorial Squad
by Mlle Bienvenu
Summary: Well, it had to happen sooner or later... Here's a Harry Potter styled parody of the Spanish Inquisition sketch from Monty Python... Mild Order of the Phoenix Spoilers


Authors Note: I don't own anything Harry Potter or Monty Python...I just like to borrow them for a while to play with, I promise I will put them back when I'm done :)  
  
OotP Spoilers...Sort of...  
  
Hermione: Harry! She's coming!  
  
Harry: But she's not expected back for another few minutes!  
  
(JARRING CHORD)  
  
(Umbridge's office door flies open and Umbridge enters, flanked by the Inquisitorial Squad.  
  
Draco: NOBODY expects the Inquisitorial Squad! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency....Our*three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the High Inquisitor.... Our *four*...no...*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)  
  
Harry: But she's not expected back for another few minutes!  
  
(JARRING CHORD)  
  
(They burst in again)  
  
Draco: NOBODY expects the Inquisitorial Squad! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the High Inquisitor, and nice green uniforms - Oh damn! (To Goyle) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.  
  
Goyle: What?  
  
Draco: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'  
  
Goyle: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...  
  
(Draco bundles them outside again)  
  
(JARRING CHORD)  
  
(The Inquisitorial squad enters)  
  
Goyle: Er.... Nobody...um....  
  
Draco: Expects...  
  
Goyle: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Inquisitorial...um...  
  
Draco: Squad.  
  
Goyle: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Inquisitorial Squad. In fact, those who do expect -  
  
Draco: Our chief weapons are...  
  
Goyle: Our chief weapons are...um...er...  
  
Draco: Surprise...  
  
Goyle: Surprise and --  
  
Draco: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Madame Inquisitor, read the charges.  
  
Umbridge: (hem, hem)You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates break several Educational Decrees and thus commit heresy against the Ministry.  
  
Draco: Thank you Madame Inquisitor. (To Harry) Now, how do you plead?  
  
Harry: We're innocent!  
  
Inquisitorial Squad: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (hem, hem…)  
  
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER AND THROAT CLEARING')  
  
Draco: We'll soon change your mind about that!  
  
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')  
  
Umbridge: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls herself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, -- the Quill of Pain!  
  
(Goyle produces a magic marker. Umbridge looks at it and clenches her teeth in an effort not to lose control. She 'hem's heavily to cover her anger)  
  
Draco: You....write! Make him write with it!  
  
(Crabbe and Goyle make a pathetic attempt to make Harry write with it.)  
  
Draco: Right! How do you plead?  
  
Harry: Innocent.  
  
Umbridge: Ha! Right! Snape, give him (oh dear) give him… the Veritaserum!  
  
(Snape stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)  
  
Snape: I....  
  
Umbridge: (gritting her teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.  
  
Snape: My … mistake?!...  
  
Umbridge: It makes it all seem so stupid.  
  
Draco: Shall I...?  
  
Umbridge: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
(Draco forces a bottle of Coca Cola down Harrys throat. Harry drinks it without a problem)  
  
Draco: Now -- you are accused of heresy on three counts – heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?  
  
Harry: I don't understand what I'm accused of.  
  
Umbridge: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Draco! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!  
  
(JARRING CHORD)  
  
(Draco holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)  
  
Draco: Here they are, Madame Inquisitor.  
  
Umbridge: Now -- you have one last chance (hem, hem). Confess the heinous crime of heresy, reject that Lord – Thingy is alive -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.  
  
Harry: I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Umbridge: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Draco! Poke him with the soft cushions!  
  
(Draco hands the cushions to Goyle and Goyle carries out this rather pathetic torture)  
  
Umbridge: Confess! Confess! Confess!  
  
Goyle: It doesn't seem to be hurting him!  
  
Draco: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?  
  
Goyle: Yes!  
  
Umbridge (angrily taking away the cushions): Hem Hem! It must be his mums protective charm! Draco! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!  
  
(JARRING CHORD)  
  
(Zoom into Draco's horrified face)  
  
Draco (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?  
  
(Goyle pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)  
  
Umbridge: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Draco! Put him in the Comfy Chair!  
  
(Harry sits of his own accord)  
  
Umbridge (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.  
  
(aside, to Draco) Is that really all it is?  
  
Draco: Yes, High Inquisitor.  
  
Umbridge: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?  
  
Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!  
  
Hermione: I confess!  
  
Umbridge: Not you! 


End file.
